justathought

I am reading this book. I originally started to read it because I wanted to buy it as a gift for a young man as an item of inspiration. However, I thought . . . .if I don’t know what is in it, how can I say it is an item of inspiration. So I started reading this book and found that the common sense dialogue Hill attempts to have with young men is something that can inspire and motivate us all.

In my conversations with young people today, I find they are often at a loss of what to say. How to express their thoughts into coherent sentences. They do not believe in themselves and have not enough trust to conjure dreams they can build on. This book gives them affirmations like “you are the newest perfect model” and “I have talent” as a means to begin the process of investing in themselves. As you read it, you can almost visualize the effort it takes to get a recalcitrant youth to come out of his shell and trust in someone.

At what age is it that we lose the ability to dream? My boyfriend has two little boys. One is almost five and the other is nine. Sometimes when I look into their eyes, I see them glowing with curiosity, mischief, and fearless courage to try anything. Other times, I see them pull back in self doubt. They become unwilling to try, for fear they make a fool of themselves for all the world to see. When does the fear begin to outweigh the fearlessness? How can we turn the tide and mentor and encourage our kids to always believe that anything is possible?

My aunt’s husband died last week.  The funeral was Monday.  I attempted to call her on Saturday and was faced with the usual gatekeepers that work to keep the mourner from dealing with the day to day tasks that can be overwhelming at such a time.  I was actually relieved when I was told that she was unavailable. 

I find myself at a loss in terms of finding the correct words to say that will provide comfort.  Let’s face it, there is really nothing that can be said.  We live, we love, and eventually we lose.  As I think about what separates those that are able to successfully handle the loss, I realize it is one’s faith in a higher power. 

I spoke with my aunt today and struggled to find words of comfort, only to find myself comforted by her instead.  Typically, that is what happens when you are not particularly close to the person you are trying to comfort.  As you stumble for words, trying to avoid giving the usual platitudes, you find yourself tumbling and are only saved when the mourner releases you from your perceived responsibility to be a source of comfort.

Please don’t get me wrong, I love my aunt.  We just never were very close.  So as much as I may want to be her anchor in this storm, I know that I am not.  I take comfort in knowing that her faith in God will see her through this time. . . .

Today marks the first week since I wrote about my plans to get in shape.  I started of week one pretty well.  I went to the local gym and spent some time on the treadmill and working with the weights.  I went walking outside, breezing through a quick three mile walk while listening to some of my favorite music. 

Walking toward the scale this morning was a bit scary because while I did exercise . . . some, I did not eat all of the right foods.  I was certain I had gained a pound versus lost anything.  Taking a shaky breath, I stepped on the scale and watched the numbers waiver back and forth.  Eventually they stopped at 200 pounds.  This means I lost 3 lbs in one week.  Is it likely that most of it was just water weight and therefore, not relevant?  It is possible, but I won’t dwell on that.  IT was a loss, which means I have motivation do go out and try harder to keep seeing the numbers go down.  Just in case you want to know, here’s an overview of what I ate last week:

Buttery Popcorn

Cherry Icee

Soda

Water. . . lots

Manwich with ground turkey

Hibachi Chicken & Shrimp w/white sauce

Seeing this poor accounting of a food diary reminds me that I need to be diligent about recording my food this week . . . . .

Oh, well!  Here are my stats:

Starting Weight: 203lbs

August 18 - August 25: 200lbs

One of my first blogs was about problems I experienced on the job.  You can view this link, http://justathought.today.com/2008/06/01/worker-blues/, to get the full outpouring of my emotions at the time.  This blog is just a follow up to that incident.  I am still working for the same company that does not appreciate my efforts.  Initially I refused to quit because I knew that is what they wanted me to do.  After some time had passed, I didn’t quit because jobs are a rare and precious thing AND I refused to give them the satisfaction of seeing me knuckle under.  So now, here I am nearly nine months from the date that my employer attempted to remove my offending presence from their world.  Some days, it feels like the fight is draining out of me.  The workloads are still more than one person can bear, yet no one else that has dropped balls along the way have been reprimanded . . . .to my knowledge anyway. 

I called the EEOC to get an update on my case and did not realize just how much this still upsets and bothers me until I found myself tearing up during the call.  I just want this thing to end.  Initially I thought a simple apology and admittance of wrongdoing would suffice and make everything better.  But now I realize that there are no words that can make me fall in love with my company again.  There are no words that will make me excited to come to work every day and give 200%.  Once the love is gone, it really is gone . . .

According to the EEOC investigator, it could take a year or better before my case is resolved.  I have to look at that hopefully, with the understanding that if my claim had no validity I would have received a “case closed” stamp months ago.  I don’t think I can stick it out at my job and continue to work their while I wait for this thing to be resolved.  I just don’t like it there anymore.  What would you do if in my shoes?

I read in my local paper, the Raleigh N&O, that companies make decisions about opening a business in a region based on the obesity level of its residents.  It would seem that companies are trying to “trim the fat” from their healthcare costs by excluding overweight people from the payroll as much as possible. 

I have thought on it long and hard to decide whether ro not I have a problem with this process.  .  .  . and I do.  However, I wonder what if anythign can really be done about it.  I think nothing.  If companies were turning overweight people away at the door as they tried to squeeze through and grab hold of the ever elusive brass ring called employment, we could pinpoint their bias and create a campaign to hold them accountable. 

Since they are simply choosing not to ever break ground and offer employment opportunities in the land of the obese, this means we can’t with certainty accuse them of bias.

I guess all the skinny people should start to head for the hills as Wake County is considered 62% obese!

I wrote a post on August 2, 2008 committing to exercising because the weight is adding on faster than the years (http://justathought.today.com/2008/08/02/ready-set-go/).  However, since that time I have not really done anything different than the things I had been doing before.  I have decided to use my blog to chronicle my success.  So each Monday I will devote some time to address how much success I have had the week before.  Today (my last day of staycation away from work . . .) I woke up and went to the gym.  I spent approx. 30 minutes on the treadmill and I spent a little time doing some triceps and bicep exercises.   It was not much, but it was a start.  I firmly believe you can never finish something if you never start . . . .so I give myself three cheers for actually getting started this week.  By next week’s post, I should be able to detail my full week on the job. . .job meaning the most important job I can do . . .taking care of me.  Until then, here are some vital stats that I am putting our there so that they are forever in print and therefore I am forever accountable to making a change.

Age: 31

Weight: 203 lbs

Hopefully we will see that number drop over time.

Have you ever just felt like you can’t take it another day at work?  Had to deal with aggravating co-workers, know it all supervisors, needy clients, and requests that never end?  Well, I have felt that way for some time now and to relieve some of the stress, I took a few days off from work.  Thank goodness, I am in a position to have accrued vacation time. 

Today wraps up the last day of a love four day weekend.  In that time I have not thought about work at all.  I have laid around in bed for long hours (not always by myself ) and became a couch potato.  I made no major plans to fulfill a myriad of things on a huge to-do list.  I decided the only thing I would do . . .is me (don’t read that the wrong way).  I spent the time giving myself a pedicure, reading a very steamy Eric Jerome Dickey novel, and just relaxing.

Because I took this time to unwind, I am ready to go back to work tomorrow.  I am ready to face whatever may come my way.  Sometimes the vacation you need is not the one that takes you to some far away local.  Sometimes, the vacation you need can be found within the confines of your own four walls.  You sit back and allow yourself the time to do the things you enjoy most.  Doing nothing at all sure feels great sometimes. 

I just found out that I will have to move.  My landlord is selling the house that I have been renting for the past two years, so I have to pack up all my stuff and hit the road.  I hate change and moving is one big change.   Now I have to worry about things like: is my credit good enough, will I find a new place in time so that I am not out on my ass . . . .  At times like this, I realize how important it is to own your own stuff.  When you own something,  you don’t have to worry about anyone putting you out (provided of course you don’t get stuck with an adjustable mortgage rate).  There are so many things to think about now. . . .location to work, apartment or townhouse, can I afford even a slight increase in the rental rate I currently pay.  

The landlord has assured me he will work with me and allow 30 days notice once the property is sold, but I am not banking on that.  I want to be gone long before my stuff ends up on the curb.

I just read someone’s blog, admittedly I did not pay attention to the owner’s name, I am still learning this blog stuff.  But anyway she had a post talking about her mother’s lack of understanding about her deep friendship with white people.  I think of it like this . . . .color shouldn’t matter but it does.  If we ever think otherwise, we are only fooling ourselves.  I remeber when I was a kid, I was in teh “smart” classes.  That meant it was me and alot of white folks soaking in the knowledge.  My life became segmente dinto my neighborhood friends ( those I grew up with that were financially unfortunate like me) and my school friends (those I was surrounded with for eight hours a day in the pursuit of education).  Those worlds did not mix very often.

When you are white, you can say color does not matter, because you have not had to deal with the rejections that your color can cause.  When you are black, you might say it does not matter. . . .. but you are only kidding yourself.  It matters.  You just have to hope the person that is weighing the difference does nto give it oo much weight. . . .or you say “f-it” and go about your business . . . . but it always matters.

I just finished my latest offering that I would like to place on tap for review.  It is titled Gather Together in My Name and it was written by Tracy Price-Thompson.  This book deals with the re-instatement of the death penalty in New York.  As the story unfolds, the reader must examine his own stance on this much debated and heated topic.  Are you for or against this policy?  Do you believe that those who suffer from it are rightfully put to death?  Is it the common cure for the worst our society has to offer or does it turn us all into the worse our society fears?The story begins with the birth of three little boys that are raised by a single mom.  Her husband died during the birth of his sons.  Bitter from the loss of her true love, the mother looks for someone to blame and she picks our lead character, Shyne.  He was the last to be born and the first to be blamed for her heartbreak.  From that moment on, she showered him with contempt and disdain while dividing her love unequally between Shug and Shadow. 

The boys came into the world together, but they would not leave the world that way.  Shadow dies an untimely death in childhood, for which more blame is heaped on Shyne.  At that point, all the hopes and dreams of a mother’s heart are placed on Shug.  The two remaining brothers are the classic example of the age old question, what makes us who we are?  Is it our environment or the love and attention we receive at home?

Shyne received no love and had to cheat, fight, steal and perhaps kill for everything he ever had.  His youth and early adulthood was spent incarcerated more often not.  Shug was coddled and went on to college and became a man of influence in the community.   As the story unfolds, he is making a bid for the New York mayor’s seat.  If not for the criminal unrest of his brother, his victory would surely be an easy one.

As the final hours of his life unfold and the ticking of the clock winds down, each person that gathers to witness the execution of Shyne, a hardened criminal, gives an accounting of what brought them to the current time in place; all of them willing to be a witness to murder in order to rid the city or a vicious murderer.

However, as the plot unfolds we get a glimpse into the twisted minds of those who have determined themselves to be judge and jury over one man’s life.  We see the fear, anger, and jealousy that we can’t separate from the essence of who we are.  It resides within us and it always factors into decisions that we make.  As all is revealed, the reader is left to question the validity of a criminal justice system that is unequally stacked against a black man and the simple human failing in us all that surely makes it impossible to be for the death penalty.

This book is definitely a piece of fiction work reading as it touches too intimately on the reality of the state of human society . . ..